Why doesn't anyone drop anvils anymore? I mean yes, the fuel costs are outrageous for combat helicopters but I AM Cobra Commander! If I run out of money I will forge more!

Some things are just timeless classics. Hostages and Ransom, Mommy's finger and the Mail, Anvils and your worst Enemy's head.

Just something for the future. Maybe some kind of Laser Anvil. Yes. YES!

I hereby rename this day Venom Day. THIS - I - COMMAND!

I love saying that. Just makes ya feel powerful, like everything is right with the world. If only for a moment before the fish bowl of my reverie is shattered by that goldfish-hating Duke and the GI Joes!

Oh Duke! That Duke is so dreamy! I'd let him "lead me to battle" anytime - SHUT UP!!!

Just Shut Up. ...And Cower. Some cowering would really be nice right about now.

If I had blonde hair and rugged good looks you can bet I'd get 9674 Valentines too! What? I own a few post offices, no big deal. Well, yeah, I mean of course I track all the Joes' mail. Look..no, I didn't memorize every single one. So what if it is "just Duke" so what? Oh now you've done it, let's play a little game!

Duke this and Duke that, look at this smug mother fucker With his perfect jaw line and toned muscular figure. Sickening! The way he carries himself with that confident swagger that all the ladies go for...

...Yeah I know where you can stick that thumb!

Well. Have I got news for you - World At Large - AKA my cowering minions. You know who my valentine is? Well do ya? Go on, guess. It's the game! Don't you love games? No, really. GUESS OR I TAKE ANOTHER FINGER!!

Nope. Guess again. GUESS AGAIN!

Nope. I wonder what you'd look like with an eye patch, hmmm, guess wrong once more and we'll find out!

Nope. Hahaha just kidding. I won't carve out your eye until after you see this great card from my new friend. We're going to rule the Entire Galaxy together! Beat that Duke and Scarlet! Beat. That.



Yes! That's Right! Megatron is my Valentine. Sure, it may be mostly a business relationship...but, he likes me. I can tell by the way he scans me for weapons when we get together. His gaze lingers in certain areas, and ...well nevermind.

Here, this is for the bleeding. Well, guess right next time! Oh. Yes, there will be a next time AHahahaha.


Megatron may not be as good a lover my custom B.A.L.s* but he's customizable, and he's been around the block a few times. He says I'll get to hold him the next time he transforms into a gun. You know, if I'm there and all. I'd love to see the look on Duke's face right before I bust a...

Excuse me, I need some Commander time now.

COBRA!




*battle android lover

Sea Monkeys! Sea Monkeyss! Hahahhaha!

Why haven't I thought of this before? I suspect Mindbender is drugging me. More on that later. But now? Sea Monkey Invasion! Ahahahha!

Sea Monkeys, as we all know, are highly engineered freeze-dried plankton warriors. Our early experiments using them to clog Joe naval vessels intake and exhaust ports proved too time consuming when it's so easy to just press this shiny Red Launch Button right here!


NO!

...No! I shall wait. Ha! Your lives are under my thumb, world at large! Somehow it just isn't fun to blow innocent people up before they have cowered. I think I should discuss my need for cowering with my therapist. Oh right...

Sea Monkeys! Why are they so small? Because we engineered them from plankton, that's why. So once they failed as a weapon we started selling through our chain of pet stores to recoup some of the costs of our investment and experimentation. And the lab is just sitting there. Well, not any more!

I now reveal to you Sea Sasquatch! We've manipulated the DNA of the common Pirahna, not wimpy Duke-like planktons this time, Pirahna!!! HAhahaha! And combined it with that of the Yeti.

Here's a diagram for all you moronic citizens of the world who have yet to cower before me (see this is a problem, isn't it?) since you are obviously ignorant Joe-lovers!



+ + =

Wouldn't you like to know!

I recommend you start cowering now. NOW!

I'm not sure how to use it yet, but, I just made a purchase. I bought - get this - I bought Atlantis! Atlantis, is MINE!!!

Snow Globes are actually reverse engineered from Atlantean technology. Didn't know that did you, you peon? No. You're not a super villain like me so you don't get invited to those parties. Do you? No. You. Do. Not.

Oh right, right. So I bought Atlantis. Of course, being the mastermind behind COBRA, I have a lot of great ideas for how to take over the world from my new hidden and secret base.

What? No. It's not in At-lan- uh never mind. You know, it doesn't matter if the world knows where your headquarters is - WHEN THEY CAN'T GET TO IT!!!! HAhaha! Submarines you say? Hmm. Yes. Well... sure, that's a good point but... no. No, I don't get to meet Auqaman. Yes. YES!! It is SO still awesome!

Humph. Last time I discuss my new acquisitions with kidnapped orphans. This is why your parents are dead kid. Yes. I might have had an underling 'take care of them' but really they were asking for it. YOU were asking for it, Suzie.

Well once again it looks like Dr. Mindbender is trying to steal all the credit. It's always the same thing with him, that leech on my glory!

Did I use his formula for the mind-control serum? Yes. And his micro-spray delivery system for bio-agents, did it come in handy? Well, yeah. Did I utilize his - ahem, and DESTRO's - inflatable metallic compound? Of course! Have I been caught working at "his" radar station because it has a nicer hi-def monitor than mine. Maybe.

Bot who's Idea was it to aerosolize the Serum? Hmm? Hmm? MINE!!!!

Who is plotting to send metallic mind-control-gas filled zepplins across the midwest and take over all domestic production of socks so that the world's feet will be cold until they BOW DOWN BEFORE THEIR MASTER? ME!!!

Oh Doctooooooorr... I know where your slippers are, and I'm not telling!



Oh yeah. Comfy.